New Years Day

This year, I have just one resolution-- to truly believe with all my heart, soul, and mind that God is for me.

I am hoping that sticking to this one resolution will lead to more joy, obedience, satisfaction, passion, and purpose. Assuming that you, the reader, are my friend in real life, I would look you straight in the eyeballs and tell you that this is  all I seriously, genuinely desire at the moment. o_o

I am looking forward to a spiritual transformation this year. Lord, change me from my core, roots, gut, nature. Help me to de-throne the biggest idol (myself)  in my life, and place you on the throne- your rightful place, the place that only You deserve. I want to spend time at Your feet, enjoying Your goodness, counting Your mercies, singing Your praises.

Untwist my twisted soul. Clean the grimy crevices of my soul. Change my taste for life. Help me to have a disposition that is pleasing in Your sight. Make me delight in Your Word, and put excitement in my heart for feasting on Your Word each morning that You wake me up. Bless me, bless my family, and Lord please bless my family's future generation with your sweet mercies and grace.

Confidence

Accepting your imperfections and having the courage to be confident is so so so so so so so so important. That is all.

Changes

Something needs to happen to help me break through this weird, unsettling feeling in my life. It's that time again, time to make some hardcore decisions. "I don't know," "none of the above," or "I'll think about it tomorrow" are no longer options. This is a straightforward process that doesn't get any straighter, more strict, more rigid than this. Why am I such a stressful person? Why does my body feel anchored to the floor? Every move, every thought, every step is so taxing when you want to an extension of time to make some of these said-hardcore decisions, but you know that the time you had should have been plenty. I am sometimes so against the grain-- the problem is, it is unintended. It's like asking, "Which of these don't belong?" given a picture of 300 gold triangles and one red sphere. I am so inconveniently different sometimes. To compound the inconvenience, my difference most frequently turns out to be outstandingly insignificant to others, probably due to the fact that these conflicts are totally internal with very little visible, palpable, empirical value... which is how I've managed to come this far. Fitting in, but so not.

Fairness

Life is sometimes really fair. So fair, that you crave mercy and grace. You don't hear that every day.

Life is, of course, sometimes really unfair especially when you consider all the tragedies in the world that find themselves in the lives of innocent children, poor people, suffering countries, etc.

Contemplating fairness is a very tiring thing, I think.

Inspiration

It's amazing what inspiration would do to a person. Recently, I heard that Jeremy Lin listens to Lecrae before his games. I thought, No way! I listen to Lecrae before I take exams! I also learned that J.K. Rowling wrote her Harry Potter books in a cafe. I get all my stuff done at cafes! I know I'm stretching it here, but what amuses me is the fact that these people, both Lin and Rowling and others who share my sources of inspiration, can accomplish so, so, so much more than I ever have (and will?)...

I don't feel it often, but I do feel surges of inspiration once in a blue moon. These insanely brief moments of inspiration have pushed me to display insanely brief moments of genius and/or productivity in my life i.e. the time I decided I would go for pharmacy, the time I decided I would make my own jam, the time I realized I should apologize, the time I discovered I wasn't depressed but just fatigued, etc. Inspiration. It is key.

In the spirit of list-making (one of my most frequently mis/not-understood pastimes), the following are a few of the biggest inspirers that come to mind:
- Lecrae lyrics
- Eating at Whole Foods
- National Geographic magazines
- Waking up to the sound of David grinding coffee
- Good weather
- San Francisco
- Skies during thunderstorms
- Leaf veins
- New years eve/day
- Scripture
- La Belle Vie tasting menu
- American Short Stories books (particularly 2011's volume)
- Quiet beauty of really humble and/or hardworking people, i.e. Michelle Obama, Audrey, Meryl Streep, John Piper, Jeremy Lin, Ben Carson, my dad.

I'm telling you, inspiration is vital to enjoying life.

Threshold

Why is it so hard to pass thresholds?

Thresholds are the hardest things to pass. It's so easy to get right to the door, but why is it so hard to turn the knob and walk in? Getting to the threshold point is easy; all you have to do is wish for things, want things, and have goals and hopes. What gets you past that point is actual ACTION, though. But in order to get there, you need that force that's strong enough to make your feet move. Kinetics calls it "activation energy"; the amount of energy that must be matched if not exceeded in order to surpass the first hump, obstacle, or "transition state" of a process (or reaction). This is the hardest step (also known as the rate limiting step). Everything after that is downhill, literally, in terms of energy.

Yes, I am applying lessons learned in physical science/kinetics/chemistry to my daily life. And the first step to contributing to this activation energy/crossing this threshold might be... turning off this music (OMG Coldplay Mylo Xyloto is awesome.)

Boasting

During worship today, I felt my soul recognizing some truths.

I have nothing and no one but the Lord to boast in.

The Lord showed me recent scenes of when I did not boast in Him, but in other things. In David, in my accomplishments, in my possessions, my health, my time, my talents, my style, my life. I was saddened by my own idolatry. All the blessings I've been showered with comes from God in the first place, but I act as if I've earned my life. The truth is, I did nothing and am capable of nothing without the Lord. I am just a measly cup. The Lord is the one who fills it.